Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.” ― Mary Anne Radmacher.
This is a quote that has lived on my refrigerator since my 20’s. Currently, it holds up a sweet piece of artwork that my daughter created. More often than not, my gaze goes to her small masterpiece and not this quotation that’s followed me from the ever-changing magnetism of my single 20’s and into my 30’s where I am married and nurturing my wonderful family…while cultivating myself and my relationships.
Lately, I have been drawn towards the magnet. I consider it for a few seconds longer than I used to. I’m certain that I’ve noticed it more during times in my life that have proven challenging. Every time I left a job or started a new one. When I began my own private practice…and then shut it down. I’m confident that it was ringing in my ears during various stages of my pregnancy with my daughter and then when I was taking care of her in our new home full time…and as I’ve watched family members struggle, and when they’ve left our lives. This quote was one I paused for during those times. I remember staring at it, newly bonded to my shiny refrigerator through tears when I went through a period of insomnia that felt debilitating for me and my family. I remember it.
And last night, I found it again. I stared and I read the words. Most of the day I felt sad and discouraged and i couldn’t place the source of those feelings. When I cannot find the root cause of my distress, it furthers my discouragement. So, I took these words and let them sink into me. I decided to wrap myself in a blanket and just…be. Being, led to a little research. I felt inspired to look up emotions as connected to the monthly female cycle. You know when you read something and you think, ‘That’s me, they’re talking about me!’?…that is how I felt when I read article after article about how estrogen dips at a certain point in a woman’s monthly cycle and with the dip also goes some serotonin. I know a little about serotonin from my education and training in the field of psychology, so I was surprised I hadn’t considered how this ‘happiness hormone’ was being affected by, well, by other hormones I’d familiarized myself with. Infertility sort of demands you become an expert in hormones like estrogen and progesterone. Those are always in the forefront of my mind when I’m listening to my body.
I was so grateful for this information and I had to share it with my husband. He agreed that it made sense and he too was appreciative of having gained a better understanding. Classically, we don’t all think about a woman’s mood shifting mid-cycle. We think of the end. However, we are absolutely capable of feeling increased sadness, irritability, and anxiety right in the middle because of the hormonal shifts.
Ultimately, I think that what I was truly looking for was understanding. I want to understand my body and my mind. I don’t want to be scared of it. I certainly don’t want to numb it and with the way we are eating in our household these days, it’s much harder to numb with food. So, I seek understanding. And my little quotable magnet was like an old friend wrapping her arms around me and telling me that it was ok to just breathe and try again tomorrow. She was letting me know that we all have days that make no sense to us and that sometimes the most courageous thing we can do…is to do it again tomorrow. When i was given this permission, I felt calm enough to try to interpret my sadness and though I did not change it, I now understand it a little more. And really, with understanding comes compassion. Today, I have expanded my empathy for women AND I am a little more self-compassionate. And that has to be a good thing.