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The Beauty and The Struggle

/May 10, 2020/ 77 Comments

It’s Mother’s Day! I have had almost 1 hour to myself this morning. This is a huge deal these days as our two small children are home full-time due to this global health pandemic. As a Stay-Home Parent of almost 7 years, I’ve become accustomed to yoga pants and pony tails as my work attire. I understand the lack of personal space I’m going to experience on a daily or hourly basis. I accept that I will be wiping bottoms and kissing ‘owies’ and blowing so many bubbles. And snacks. I am a snack dispenser and master negotiator of all things to do with food, toys, and moving from one activity to the next. But the past two months have been next level for me as a mother. There literally is no separation from me and my children…much of the time. Emotionally, physically, all of it. Very little space. And it has been overwhelming. Maybe I even resent it at times? Yes, I do. Not all of the time. But there are moments that I would like to detach myself from the role and just be. Be what? I don’t even know. Just be me…somewhere…alone…with thoughts that don’t involve other peoples’ schedules, mealtimes, hurts, and needs.

It is a struggle to find time to feel like anything other than a mom right now.

Ok, I know that is a loaded phrase up there. I am hyper-aware of how fortunate I am to have two healthy children right now. I don’t even feel like I am responsible for the stroke of sheer luck to be in the position to be able to mother my two little ones who are genetically mine and my husband’s. Because my eyes are open to the world of infertility and the chronic loss that this community experiences trying to create a family, I am aware of my privilege to know and mother my children. I am deeply empathetic to the beauty and struggle that is motherhood. It is humbling to try to find words to encompass all of the various shades of mothers. Whether with our own mothers, mother-figures, children (born and unborn), the complexity of emotions surrounding the word ‘Mother’ is astounding to me.

What I have learned about motherhood is that it is a huge part of my life, but it is not who I am. I think that’s ok. I understand if others disagree with that sentiment. There was a time where I believed that it would define me. And that the possible lack of it would also define me.

So, what did I do with my free hour? I put on a comfy cotton dress that makes me feel more woman than mom. I applied make-up. Like, the whole shebang. Eye shadow and all! (Also, I googled ‘shebang’ and it turns out this is an actual word and it does have an ‘e’. Who knew?) I took time to brush out my hair and wear it down (no ponytails allowed in MY hour!) and then I gathered some delightful macaroons, a cup of of my favorite elderflower lemonade, and my laptop. And here I am. Feeling like a woman who is creative, aware, beautiful, and full of hope.

Today, and every day, I am definitely a woman who is intoxicatingly grateful to be a mother. I could write a whole separate blog about the adventures of loving my two littles. That I am their mother may not define me, but that I am allowed to love them and grow with them is woven into every fiber of my being.

And may every Mother’s Day begin with breakfast in bed and a message from my own mother that says, ‘Happy Mother’s Day to my grown ass, beautiful daughter!!’ Thanks, Mom for loving me and always trying to truly ‘see’ me while remaining true to being your own ‘grown ass’ self. Hashtag UNTAMED!!

Happy Mother’s Day to all. Let’s honor (and not question) all of the feelings that this day brings up. The beauty and the struggle.

77 Comment

  1. Yes, see I knew you needed to keep writing. You have identified a common human struggle – how to be multiple people without letting one takeover. I am a father, husband, scientist, backcountry explorer, avid fly fisherman, blues musician, etc. The unique problem of mothers is the cultural pressure that says it is okay and perhaps required that you give yourself over to that one person. Resist as you are. Your children will be better for it.

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