1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility. I hate that we’re a part of this statistic with all my heart. I’ve joined this statistic against my will and against my desires. And against my greatest efforts. We are still waiting to understand why we are a part of this statistic. The not knowing is torturous. Why so difficult? Because it has brought with it deep confusion whereby it is hard to trust anything I eat, drink, wear, or do. Could it be my diet/my husband’s? Our exercise regimens? Tracking and timing our ‘baby-making’ correctly? Genetic issues? Maybe we drink too much wine or coffee? How often do we get in hot tubs? Maybe we haven’t tried the right cleanse? Our habits? Our stress levels? All things we’ve considered and modified many times over since struggling to conceive. Perhaps we don’t do enough acupuncture/light therapy/reiki/massage/supplements/essential oils/art therapy/talk therapy…all recommendations from well-intentioned people. All things we’ve tried. With the exception of art therapy. Unless you consider coloring with a 3-year-old art therapy. Which I do, actually. So, then we’ve tried that too. 🙂
I remember when we were trying to conceive our daughter who is now almost 4 years old (gulp!) and how each month as we inched closer to the 1 year mark, my anxieties increased. It took us 10 months with her. And so we were never officially diagnosed with infertility and I was beyond grateful, but I did endure a painful diagnostic procedure called an HSG (Hysterosalpingography) whereby dye is forced into the fallopian tubes to make sure that they’re open. They were. And we conceived two months later. We got dangerously close to that marker though. A marker every infertile couple understands well. One year if you’re under 35 and 6 months if you’re over 35. And once you cross over, you have met the requirements for a medical diagnosis. It is considered a disease. It is a medical issue.
I will never forget the cycle where we moved from fertile to infertile. It was a mixture of devastation and anger. We started receiving additional help from a Reproductive Endocrinologist shortly thereafter. My fears from five years ago were confirmed. It was (and is) like living in a nightmare. Actually, it’s like going in and out of one. I get yanked into my nightmare with each failed treatment, diet, medication, exercise, and cycle…and pulled right back out the moment my daughter wraps her arms around me and envelops me in sweet, innocent, love…and then again I’m brought back to the nightmare when she asks me, ‘Mommy, when is our baby coming?’ Back and forth. I know what it’s like to long for a child and not have anywhere to escape from the nightmare. I experienced this for a short period of time before our daughter was conceived. And so I am fiercely grateful to my daughter for pulling me back, even if only temporarily. I prefer the back and forth and my heart aches for those women and couples who’ve yet to conceive and bring their baby into this world.
As if going through infertility treatments isn’t hard enough, there are the hurtful comments from people who are either uninformed about infertility or are actively against the idea of ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology). Personally, I have experienced both of those bullets from people in my life. Sadly, so have so many other women and men struggling with infertility. Enduring infertility and educating simultaneously can feel exhausting and heart-wrenching, but I am finding that the education portion is necessary. I didn’t know how pervasive infertility was or that the stress levels of those going through the treatments were comparable to those battling cancer, heart disease or AIDS. How can I expect other people to know when I didn’t know?
Because it’s National Infertility Awareness Week I would like to mention that this disease, this medical condition that continues to affect every aspect of our lives (and I mean EVERY aspect – financial, emotional, social, physical, spiritual…) has also taught me a lot about a lot. It’s strengthened important relationships, while releasing others. It has given me courage to do and try things I never thought I was capable of, thus making me feel braver than I imagined I could be. It’s given me insight into my physical and emotional self and drastically increased my empathy for others. Truly, we can never know what battle each of us is fighting and how our struggles impact the way we interact with our world. And man, gratitude has never meant so much to me as it does now. So, I am 1 in 8. I am forever changed by infertility and I will continue to fight this crazy fight.
*Gratitude – Today, I am grateful for this blog. I have had some new readers and subscribers as I shared my blog with others and the messages of support and understanding are beautiful.