Am I Going Crazy?

In the past two weeks I’ve learned of two family members who are pregnant…again. One with her second child, the other with her fourth. Another family member gave birth to her second child yesterday. I dropped a friend off at her clinic for her Embryo Transfer…for (hopefully!) her second child. And I watched her give a Progesterone-in-Oil injection in the middle of our guest room. I’ve been in and out of doctors’ offices and labs never knowing if results would bring me or my doctors clarity about my health. I have researched Celiac Disease for hours…Crohn’s Disease, Diarrhea, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Side Effects of Nuva Ring, Diarrhea, Gluten-Free Living, How to Naturally Lower Thyroid Levels…and Diarrhea. I’ve had a headache for the entire month of July. And bowel issues. Painful bowel issues. I’ve given blood, gone through examinations, and even participated in a stool collection. Let me not divulge the details of THAT one. I learned how to ever-so-humbly use a hair tie to give my jeans an extra inch in the waist from all the bloating…because I REFUSE to buy new jeans at this moment in time.

Today, I can say that all of my test results came back NORMAL. Even my thyroid levels are NORMAL. It seems that time, gluten-free eating, the proper dosage of medication, and a ton of breakdowns have landed me right on track for our FET on September 5th. And the diarrhea? It has been gone for 7 days. For now.

I have been brought to my knees in pain so many times over this past month. I begged my husband for this to end and I bargained with the Universe to take my pain away, or at least just the diarrhea. I’ve doubted whether or not I could make it through this. I seriously pondered letting go of this dream. It has been crazy-making to feel myself slip in and outside of myself. It is exhausting. I am exhausted.

Currently, I am on DOUBLE the dosage of birth control for the next 5 days. And I started my Lupron injections last night. Those shots will be present the entire month of August. It is my new routine. There are a shit-ton of hormones coursing through my body! And believe me, it feels like it.

I recognize that I am not the only person in pain right now. In fact, the more candid I am about my own grief, the more I learn about real issues that people around me are facing. It actually is humbling for me. It gives me strength to know that I am not alone in the fight. Mine might not look like my neighbor’s across the street, but we both shed tears and look to each other with questioning eyes. We both wonder why it has to hurt so much. I try my hardest to remember that life is not meant to be lived pain-free. Sometimes…my pain feels like it’s going to swallow me up and it overwhelms all parts of me and I’m not sure I can breathe or even think without my husband holding my hand. Or my mother holding space on the other end of the phone for my sobs. She grabs onto my heart through the line and really feels my pain with me. We don’t know what to do about it, but we embrace it and acknowledge that it’s there. And slowly, I regain strength and the fire lessons and little by little I come back to the hope.

For now, I am still here. I am moving forward…albeit at a glacial pace. One medication alarm at a time. One day at a time. One breakdown at a time. I continue to show up for IVF and my people show up for me. Together we are what hope is made of: falling down, getting back up, and trying again.

*I am grateful for my husband and my mom who have truly endured my hardest of heartaches over this past month of uncertainty with regards to my health. Their strength and persistence propel me forward and soothe my broken heart.