Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise! Our Transfer went smoothly and it was a beautiful moment shared between me and my husband. We were given a picture of our little one and told it was already hatching and looking for a uterus and then we got to see it in real-time on a large screen as our little one waited to be sucked up and given a home. After our little embryo was placed, I laid still holding my husband’s hand tightly in complete disbelief. I haven’t been able to find the words to adequately explain how it feels to see a living embryo and know that it is half me and half my husband. Our little embryo. I want to love it and call it mine. I am also terrified to love something so fragile. Is it ok to fall in love with a bunch of cells?
I spent two days on modified bed rest surrounded by flowers, cards, and so many words of encouragement and hope. And my mom. Of course, my mom was with me. I felt well loved. I know that if I had not invited My People into this difficult and oh-so-personal journey of ours, the support would look different. I am grateful that I decided to take a risk and share my story with others. It’s not a choice everyone would make, but I believe it was the right choice for me and my family.
Now what?
I wait. We wait.
I listened to a podcast this morning on ‘Surviving The Two Week Wait’ where a well-known psychotherapist specializing in treating individuals with fertility issues discussed ways to get through the waiting. One thing she suggested was to write down what you’re feeling…what is it that makes this wait difficult?
For me, what makes the wait difficult is the fear of finding out that I am not pregnant. Knowing that I have two embryos and two chances to do this. If one fails, I have only one left. I feel scared. I am scared to have to start over. I am scared that it may never work and that I will have to move on. The waiting also represents so many times over these years that I’ve allowed myself to hope that THIS will be the month…and it never was. Logically, I understand that we just increased our odds as much as humanly possible, but it feels like every other month that I have hoped. The end of these two weeks has always resulted in sadness and devastation. Except for once. One time, almost 5 years ago…I became pregnant with our daughter.
I will remind myself that this month IS different. This is not like the other Two Week Waits. I have an embryo inside of me and tons of hormones to support its development. I cannot deny the fear. I have to learn to live with it.
Until next time, we will be waiting.
*I am grateful to have a beautiful embryo inside of me. I keep his/her picture with me and continue to send it love.
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