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A Tiny Love Letter

/February 14, 2018/ 52 Comments

To my son.

We met in a storm. Our introduction came earlier than expected. The moment I saw your tiny heartbeat was preceded by an hour where I was sure I’d lost you. I was sure I’d never know you. Our emergency ultrasound…that’s where you became real to me. On a warm September afternoon in our RE’s office, I let the tears fall. I couldn’t contain my grief and elation. I was only 6.5 weeks pregnant and though I was bleeding, I was reassured that you were ok. And for me, that’s when we became a ‘we.’

Every day that passed and I grew sicker and sicker with nausea, I practiced gratitude as the doctors told me this was a sign of a healthy pregnancy. A strong embryo. You were strong. I was taking so many different pills, placing patches on my abdomen, and administering injections of Progesterone daily. Each time I steadied the needle, I’d imagine the thick oil as a sort of ‘food’ for you. I’d hold my breath and say, ‘this is for you.’ I did this daily for nearly 11 weeks.

I did not always feel grateful. That’s the thing about suffering, it brings out all sides of us. There were times when I felt so consumed with the nausea that I resented your vigor. Resentment brought about a cascade of anger. Anger because I had to conceive you through IVF, anger because I couldn’t hold my daughter when I was sick, anger because I felt isolated from everyone…anger because of the guilt of even having these thoughts after everything I went through to bring your little life into this world.

As time passed and we met each milestone together with enduring positive feedback, I came to accept my suffering as a complicated physical and emotional battle. Some days, I’d be grateful…and some days the anger would take over. I tried hard not to beat myself up too much over the dichotomy of emotions I was experiencing.

Slowly, I felt myself starting to embrace you. I wanted to love you and hope for you and truly plan for you in our lives, but I was terrified. I wasn’t sure you’d be real. Infertility taught me about the fragility of life in way I’d never known before. And I struggled to shake that trauma off in order to experience my love for you.

As I write this, I am still not sure if we will ever look into each other’s eyes. But, I am sure that you are my son. I feel you actively inside of me and I’ve learned what makes you move. I know you hear your sister’s voice and it causes you to stretch and kick and play. I know what your lips looks like and that you are long and lean. I know that I am hopeful to meet you in May and that you are entering into a family filled with so much love and passion. We have all worked hard to bring you into this family in our own ways. Mostly, I know that you are loved…I know that you are worth this long anticipated wait.

*I am grateful for my family.

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