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The ‘C’ Word

I’ve missed my blog dearly. I often think about sitting down in front of this screen and pouring my heart out…but then I am yanked in 20 different directions (sometimes at the EXACT same time) and my thoughts about writing join with my other daydreams. What do I dream about these days? Sleep…and for my son to stop screaming. And sleep. And less screaming. Definitely sleep.

We named our son after my maiden name and I find it to be no coincidence that the first letter in his name is also the first letter in ‘colic.’ Because he has it. At least that’s what we’ve been told as we plead bleary-eyed with our pediatrician for answers. Oh, and there are no answers. That’s the answer. There are none. We’ve been encouraged to ask for help because the only thing doctors know for sure about the ‘C’ word is that it will drive you to your edge.

I believe there will be a time when I can remember the beauty and the magic in between the times of discontent, frustration, and fear that the ‘C’ word has bombed our home and hearts with. For now, I am a slave to this unknown thing called ‘Colic’ and humbled yet again by a pain I never knew…could never have predicted or prepared for.

Anyone out there reading this who has held their colicky baby desperately in their arms…I feel your pain. I see your fear. Parents who have chronically sick children, I am in awe of your strength and courage.

For me, it feels cruel to be enduring this alongside our son after struggling to conceive him the way we did. It feels like that insanely tall mountain I looked up at years ago is never-ending and we will never reach the top…or be given a break. I understand that parenthood can be a hustle and there are thousands of opportunities for my heart to be broken and tired…I signed up for it and it’s part of the deal. But. But, I didn’t think I’d have to watch our newborn son suffer each night with no way of helping him. It has been shocking and traumatizing to be with him in this.

We are in love with our son and grateful for him every day. And we are also still trying to like him since his arrival seven weeks ago. For now, love is winning and the ‘C’ word can go ‘F’ itself.

*I am grateful for my baby boy. And for friends and family who are helping us get through this alarmingly challenging time in his development.

 

34 Comment

  1. I’m so happy you are writing again!! You are an incredible mom, sweetheart. The love you and Tom have for your children is already reflected in the kind, smart, funny, confident daughter you are raising. This incredibly challenging time with Cade right now will eventually transform into his beautiful being, just waiting to blossom out of your love and commitment. ❤️🦋✨

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