We Are a Great Story

Ok, it’s real! We received confirmation today from our insurance that we are ready to go for IVF next month. I knew this authorization would make it feel more real to us and as I sit here during my scheduled and oh-so-sacred writing time, I am overcome with excitement and nostalgia for our infertility journey. I have flashbacks to moments of intense suffering, both physically and emotionally, but there are also these sacred moments of hope. Recently, I read a quote in a magazine that said something along the lines of, ‘You have to understand hopelessness to understand hope.’ That resonates with me completely. Our story is full of this dichotomy. I see my husband holding my hand with the same dream swimming in his beautiful blue-green eyes as he stares at me in awe through our IUI’s. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘If two people who love each other this much could only will a pregnancy into reality, surely we could.’ If only. I see myself sitting at our dining room table alone, taking, notes, trembling, nodding my head, as I am given referrals to Reproductive Endocrinologists in the area who might be able to help us as we neared a diagnosis of ‘infertility’ with our regular doctor. My mind wanders back to the first time we decided we were ready to have another child and the innocent joy we let fill us completely…’Surely, it’ll be easier this time…my body knows how to be pregnant,’ I told myself. I told him. And then there’s the time in our bathroom when I broke every pregnancy test within my reach and only after my husband wrapped me in his arms did the rage end and turn to sobs. How I despise pregnancy tests. They had to be destroyed after seeing yet another single line in that awful white window. So much disappointment, so much loss. I will always remember what it feels like to snap one of those in half and the unnatural crispness that echoed in my ears with each bend of those sticks. Satisfying. And devastating. I see myself sitting on the couch next to my husband as he offers me a fist-bump and tells me, ‘We got this!’ after a long conversation about how I’m going to endure so many shots. So many shots for the woman who has to lay down to have her blood drawn. But, his confidence in me makes me feel brave beyond what I thought I was capable of. It’s an amazing thing to find out that you were always stronger than you believed yourself to be. I would not have know that if it were not for infertility. If not for the hope and the hopelessness. I am certain I am about to expand my strength and courage beyond my wildest dreams this upcoming year. And it all begins in 1 month. Today is the marker for me, for us, for my family that this is real. And what a story we have with this baby. What a life-altering, unnerving, terrifying, emotional story of love and bravery…and hope. We have yet to meet, sweet child…but we truly are a great story.