This weekend, a couple of events happened that knocked the wind out of me. Without going into great depth, our hearts were broken after receiving a difficult letter in the mail from a family member who’s belief system prompted a desire to express concern and question our morals in deciding to grow our family through IVF. We were somewhat prepared for such a letter, but preparation does not always communicate with your heart. The heart feels what the heart feels. While it is one of my greatest challenges and goals to assume the best of people (that’ll be a part of my Manifesto one day soon), I cannot help but feel sad to receive words so full of judgment. I know that this individual’s fear for us and for herself influenced such a letter. I know there is love under there. But, there is a desire within me to protect myself. Protect my husband, my family from this lack of compassion. I’m certain there will be a follow-up conversation regarding those words that hurt us so deeply. I’m unsure whether or not the relationship can fully recover.
This letter and the emotions it stirred up within me were a reminder of what we’re about to go through. Each step so large. So fraught with uncertainty. Decisions that will impact my life, my husband’s, and our entire family. And so when I came upon our ‘IVF Folder’ this weekend, I found myself reading through the pages while holding my breath. It is overwhelming to open your eyes, look up, and see just how tall that mountain is. I don’t even think I witnessed the peak. Just a long stretch of terrain that went up…up…and even more up. I went to my husband and cried while I described what I’d just read. And he reminded me that I am brave. That I do not have go up that terrain alone. That I can choose to take in the enormity of my whole big mountain of infertility and IVF, or I can choose to look at it each day just a little and do what’s next. What’s next is to keep moving one step at a time.
As we get ready to say ‘good bye’ to February and welcome March, I know we’re entering the month of IVF beginning. For the first time in weeks, I feel genuinely scared. There really is so much ahead of us. And honestly, I think there will be moments when I do look waaaaay too high to try to take in that mountain. I’ll want to make sense of it and control it. Really, I’ll just be hoping we can understand one another. I will hope that I can keep moving up and that I will be granted some grace along the way. And I hope my people will come along with me wherever the path takes us. I even hope our letter-writer will find a place alongside us somehow. That there will be understanding and respect and maybe some forgiveness.
And so, let’s climb.
❤